Opinion: You save; your partner spends. Don’t let money doom your relationship.

Money is often a source of conflict in relationships. It’s not uncommon for savers to become agitated when their partner continually impulsively spends. Nor is it unusual for savers to marry spenders. 

“These differences often arise in marriages between people who grew up in different social classes,” says Jessi Streiban, a sociology professor at Duke University who studies relationships among socio-economic classes.

She added: “The person who grew up with little money wants to buy things they couldn’t as children, and isn’t as concerned with saving — they’ve gotten by their whole lives without a large savings account. The person who grew up with a safety net often wants to keep it, and so wants to save more.”

Left unspoken, small transactions can feel like a series of micro-stresses that eventually lead to an argument. Experts agree that working out financial differences requires couples to communicate clearly and regularly.

Yet talking about money doesn’t come easily for some. Our relationships with money often originate from our childhood and can be damaged by financial trauma. Talking with your spouse about money is a skill that can require an empathetic approach so that you can understand your partner’s choices and respond without blame or shame.

Experts agree that these conversations occur best in a scheduled and comfortable setting. Spending time regularly to discuss shared financial goals, values, and your relationship with money is often called money dates.

“The use of money typically represents our strongest and most closely held values,” said Sonya Lutter, director of financial health and wellness at Texas Tech University. “If we don’t want children to have the experiences we had as a child, we use our resources to provide experiences and stuff to avoid our unpleasant memories. Money brings the power and ability — to some extent — to modify our own emotions.” 

Couples also benefit when systems, habits, or agreements are implemented to slow thinking into a more reflective state. “Impulsive spending largely involves fast, automatic thinking associated with emotions and feelings in the moment,” said Stephen Shu, a behavioral economist who teaches at Cornell University. “People are often in a hot state when impulsive purchases happen.”

He added: “The key is to consider slowing down thinking, thinking about goals versus alternatives, and having some discipline to test different methods and see which ones work for you.”

Yours, mine and ours

With such strong feelings surrounding money, some couples find it easier to keep the peace by maintaining joint accounts for most of their money and establishing personal accounts for minor spending choices where there is strong disagreement about how those dollars should be spent. This strategy is often called “Yours, Mine, and Ours.”

There are several advantages to splitting your finances in marriage using this approach, but it doesn’t come without risks. Several studies, including recent research, have found that couples who pool their money express greater marital satisfaction and have fewer divorces.

“To find the right tools for you and your partner, financial intimacy is essential,” says Michael Gene Thomas, a lecturer at the University of Georgia who focuses on people’s financial well-being. “It involves communicating vulnerabilities and understanding each other’s thoughts, attitudes, and emotions about money. Trust, consistency, and compromise form the foundation for a successful strategy, as consistency is the only thing that compounds.”

Brian Page is co-host of the Modern Husbands Podcast and founder of Modern Husbands, which helps couples manage money and the home and offers “Money Marriage U,” online courses that provide financial therapy and financial planning lessons. Michael Gene Thomas, Jessi Streib and Stephen Shu serve on the Modern Husbands Advisory Board.